My cat stepped on my ovary, and other medical oddities…

So, have any of you experienced post-ovulatory pain in the general area of your ovaries?

I am quite certain I ovulated last Saturday-ish (positive OPK on Friday, followed by a temperature shift on Sunday). This was right in line with the predictions made at my otherwise useless RE visit earlier that week. At that appointment, the doctor did an ultrasound (my first! but ah me, it was a little depressing because in the movies it is always to look at a BABY, not a dysfunctional womb). He said my uterus thickness and follicle (on my left side?) indicated I would ovulate in about four days. All signs would indicate that I did in fact do that, on day 18. I had a slight pain on my lower left side day of ovulation.

So, now the weird thing is that after all this and after a significant temperature shift, I had twinge-y pains on my left side for a couple of days. Then a break, and now twinge-y pains on both sides. Not a sharp pain. Kind of sore …?? I think it is in the general area of my ovaries — it’s basically in the area where my legs and abdomen form a right angle when I sit. And to add another quirky element to this story: it didn’t hurt at all last night, then when my cat walked across my lap he stepped on that area on the left side and it hurt, like he was hitting a soft spot.  w-e-i-r-d

Today I have twinge-y/sore pains on both sides.

Anyone experienced this? Any idea what it could be? First I thought maybe my ovary was sore (snuh?) from it’s big job of ovulating — which, might I remind you, Ms. Ovary, is what you are supposed to do every month. It’s your job. But I don’t get the pain on both sides — days after ovulation. Am I imagining it? Could it be cysts? Can you have a temperature shift and all the signs of ovulation, but never actually do it?

I should perhaps also note that given my bloodwork, etc., no one has ever considered me a PCOS case.

Mysteries…

When good news goes bad

I have been and will be super-busy at work. My head is about to explode. I hate the federal budget.

BUT I wanted to step away from the fiscal 2011 proposal for a moment to beg your prayers and words of encouragement, if you do not mind. (I am so greedy.)

I heard a very difficult pregnancy announcement last night. The hardest one I have had to face thus far. How bad, you may ask? Well, I am walking around today like someone in my family DIED, when the real news is that someone (in my family) is bearing life.

I recognize it is more than a little ridiculous for me to be so upset. RI-DIC-U-LOUS. This ought to be good news.

And yet … I feel so bad.

It is much like our early days of trying to conceive … those months when I really thought I was pregnant and was devastated to get my period. It felt like such a loss. I feel like that now — like something was taken from me, even though it was something I never had. I keep crying.

My selfish heart.

I ask God’s forgiveness.

I WILL write more about it (and about the RE! and acupuncture! and my lovable nephew!). But right now I have to write more clunky prose for work, and my brain is completely fried. So I am afraid the details will have to wait. I am such a delinquent blogger.

Also, for my DC cronies: My church does a pretty amazing job — if I do say so myself — for Candlemas, the Feast of the Presentation. A full orchestral mass! It is Tuesday evening, 6:30 pm. Foggy Bottom area. I hesitate to say more here, lest I come up in church searches online. So I will try to send an email to some of you with other info … or if you want to know more, just let me know in the comments.

Recovering … or am I?

Thanks to all for your well wishes on my tooth situation. I am happy to report that today I am starting to feel somewhat normal and may  embrace the world of fully-solid foods soon. Glory be!

I would also like to say to anyone out there getting oral surgery in the future: nitrous oxide is your friend. At first I thought it was not working, but then I started to breathe very deeply and say the rosary, and that seemed to do the trick. It was totally relaxing and definitely took the edge off a painful, awkward procedure.

I opted for laughing gas because it was cheaper than general anasthesia, but I think I actually preffered it. Several hours after this procedure, I was alert and able to put together coherent sentences, even if it hurt to say them. I think it took me three days to feel fully awake after I had my wisdom teeth pulled.

One small blessing of my empty womb: if I had been pregnant, I would have just had local anesthesia numbing stuff. ouch. It would be totally worth it for the baby, but since there was no baby, I am glad I could enjoy the sweet, sweet laughing gas.  In the unlikely event that I am miraculously pregnant before I have to get the next procedure done, I may just put it off the tooth replacement until post-baby.

To sum it up:I heart nitrous oxide. Worth every penny.

I have been feeling a little more steady, emotions-wise, lately. But I am pretty depressed today.I am not totally sure why. I am feeling hormonally off-kilter, and I cried, CRIED, this morning on the bus when I read a nice article about the New Orleans Saints. I love an inspiring sports story, but this seemed a little extreme.

I am going to blame it in part on the fact that my tooth situation has prevented me from doing any running or other exercise for a week. I think that has me out of whack.

I am, apparently, addicted to endorphins.

I also had an appointment with a reproductive endocrinologist today, which really drove home the feelings of despair. I have an appointment next month with Dr. Stegman. But I had also called this fertility clinic place, to make a back-up-plan appointment because I am a little concerned about maintaining a good long-distance relationship with Stegman. I thought maybe this place could help me with monitoring and evaluation. I was surprised they could see me so soon — well before my Stegman appointment. But it was a really frustrating appointment. So much so that without realizing it, in my work bathroom a few minutes ago I found myself standing at the sink having an imaginary conversation with the doctor. In my imagination, I challenged him and argued about his approach and The Problem with Contemporary Fertility Medicine … notably different than what happened in real life, where I stared at him dumbfounded.

I will blog more about what happened, but I have not talked to my husband about it yet, and I don’t want the poor man to have to hear it on the blog first. (not that it is anything particularly stunning or revealing. just darn annoying)

Hoping I feel much more hopeful after my appointment with Dr. Stegman next month!

Other delightful surgery

So apart from being infertile, I also have problematic teeth. You may recall my visions after a recent dental appointment of being an an old, barren, toothless woman, batting around my empty house, dentures rattling, kicking up dustballs.

yee-haw!

After several other diagnostic appointments since then, I am finally addressing the most problematic of the teeth tomorrow morning, when I will have the first of three procedures to extract and replace this tooth.

Basically, I clenched my jaw so much while sleeping that I cracked my bottom molar.  Lovely, yes. I did not realize this problem and ignored it for, oh, a year or so. (too busy dealing with infertility appointments to go to the dentist!) So now the tooth is irreparably harmed.  I will have it pulled out tomorrow and get a bone graft to replace the damaged jaw bone.

In a few months, they will put a tiny titanium rod in the newly restored jaw bone. My husband and I will be titanium rod buddies — he got a large one in his leg last year when he broke his femur.

Then about six months after the lil’ rod goes in, they will put a new toothlike thing on top, so that I can happily chew for the rest of my days.

Insurance doesn’t really pay for any of it. It’s awesome.

I am astounded by how much I may pay in the next year to restore this little tooth.  I am considering chickening out and just going toothless, but my dentist insists that such a reckless decision would endanger my other teeth. And I would miss the chewing.

So, on the downside: I have to have a surgery tomorrow that I do not want. It will hurt. I will have a gaping hole in my mouth. I might not be able to eat crunchy foods for a long time. I feel like a moral failure for having a messed up tooth — like I did not listen to the brushing and flossing campaigns enough.

I’ll get nitrous oxide, a.k.a. laughing gas, during the surgery. (I deemed full sedation too expensive.) Apparently, under nitrous oxide, I will be aware of what is going on, but I just won’t care. Sounds nice, eh? Maybe I can convince them to give me a take-home barrel for rough times at work.

The upside: As much as I am dreading this whole thing, I have to remember that I am so lucky to live in a country where people can put this much effort into restoring one little tooth. I mean, seriously! It’s almost embarassing, compared to the health care in other parts of the world. Not to mention  Haiti — who am I to complain about one little tooth? And I am very grateful to have the personal resources that I can fix it, even if it hurts my wallet.

But alas, I can’t help but to mourn a little. Farewell, tooth. It’s been a good 32.5 years. I will miss you.

Downtrodden, or The “Sick of It” Post

I am used to the disappointment of cycle day one. It’s the only experience I know. I have had some 20 or so disappointing encounters with cycle day one and nary a pregnancy in the bunch, so my period is what I have come to expect every month.

But it still kind of blows.

Today I am bleeding and crampy. My uterus hurts. I an sick of my stupid period, sick of dealing with infertility. I have spent heavens knows how long today staring in the toilet to try to figure out if I have clots or not (do stringy goopy things count?). It is not my favorite way to spend the day.

It feels particularly hard today. I’m not sure why — I think it is because of other disappointments in my life right now. I am dealing with low-grade wintry depression anyway, and the onset of menstrual flow certainly doesn’t help. I had been doing pretty well emotionally for the last few months. But now I just want to crawl in bed and stay there.

One could say that I am having my annual identity crisis. What am I doing in life that is meaningful? What could I be doing to actually do some good in the world? What can I do for Haiti, besides crying and praying and sending some aid money? What I am *supposed* to be doing in life — besides working, chasing lawmakers, enjoying my husband and desperately dealing with my infertility?

I am sick of my job and don’t feel like working. To be honest, I get this feeling every January — I think because the Christmas holidays make me feel like doing everything BUT work, and January starts a new really busy, not very fun period at work.  Then I have an added layer of anxiety: it is time for my annual review. I am unsatisfied at work and don’t feel like I am doing a great job. I don’t know where to go next.

It’s dark outside, and the slight holiday weight-gain that I accept each year as part of fully enjoying Christmas is not so pleasant now that I am no longer eating cookies. I want to train for another marathon, but I don’t want to send my apparently-fragile reproductive system into more confusion. Yet, athletic goals seem like one of the few things I can control.

I am sick of this. I am sick of the constant infertility juggling. I am sick of the long list of medical phone calls and bills I have to deal with every week. I am sick of CD1 and CD 3 and P+7,9,11.

I feel like nothing will ever change.

On top of that, next week I start the first of 3 or 4 procedures to remove and replace one of my teeth. I am not sure if it will hurt more to pull the tooth, replace it, or pay $4,000 for it. (my money is on the money, if you know what I mean)

I am sick of all the medical expenses, sick over the thought that I’ll likely spend thousands and thousands of dollars on health-related expenses this year. In an effort to make myself feel better about the economics of it all, I tried to convince myself that my coworkers probably spend as much on beer as I do on medical bills each month.

But even for my heavily-imbibing office, there is no way they can do that.

Outside of work, almost every woman I know has a baby. It is hard to make social engagements.

I often comfort myself with thoughts of adoption, something my husband and I were interested in even before we were married. But today was one of those days when I read things that scared me (in this case, a web site from a very bitter birthmother and another from someone absolutely overwhelmed with paperwork).

This weekend I will go visit dear friends (in another state) who just had their second child. I am really nervous because I am so down about infertility right now, and they have no idea how to relate. They are wonderful people who want to relate, they know we’re dealing with infertility … but it is just so far removed from their personal experience. Their first baby was conceived the first month they tried. The second was unplanned. My friend says God must have a lot of trust in them, to send them that second baby while the dad was in grad school, etc. Does that mean He does not have trust in me?

How do I respond? Do I just fake it all weekend? Do I try to explain it to my dear friend? How do you tell a woman who delivered her second child a few weeks ago about the pain so deep in your heart?

I am sick of it all. And sick of being sick of it.

Endometriosis survey (very scientifical)

So, I know one of the signs of endometriosis is bad cramps. And clotty periods. But what kind of cramps are we talking about here? And what kind of clots? (err, if you don’t mind me asking)

I’d like to conduct an informal survey in my comments here: do/did you have endo? What were your cramps/pains like? What other symptoms did you have? Clotty periods — if so, what do you mean by that? Or did you have no symptoms at all?

I’d really appreciate seeing your input!

I am just trying to figure out what I should be on the lookout for.

My period started today — oh joy! — and I have my typical first-day-of-period cramps: uncomfortable but not debilitating. I assume these do not qualify as possible signs of endometriosis … although I know you can have endo without the signs. I have also, honestly, never really paid attention to the consistency of my menstrual flow and whether it was clotty or not. I used tampons and did not really notice. So, I am trying to be more in-tune to that now, which is charming … but I am not exactly sure what I am supposed to be looking for.

Hopefully, when I see Dr. S next month he’ll go through all the possible endometriosis stuff with me, and schedule a lap to look for endo, just in case. But in the meantime, I’d like to be more aware.

Things that happened today, having nothing to do with my infertility

I have realized I am somewhat clinical in my blogging, and I really love reading all the things y’all post about the other fun stuff going on in life. So, I am going to try to be better about sharing some of the everyday things in my life, besides my hormone levels.

Maybe I will post some pictures too, but I am a little paranoid. I am also notoriously bad about uploading photos. So maybe not.

Anyway, about my day…

I will start with the classic elevator chat: the weather. It is very cold here in DC and snowed a little last night. It was nothing like the 18 inches of snow we got in December, which was just majestic, but today’s dusting was still nice. I must admit I LOVE the cold and snow. I even love shovelling snow (though, honestly, it’s easy for me to say, since I only have to shovel a city sidewalk in front of my narrow house — no huge driveway).

I grew up in South Carolina, so I think winter is still a novelty for me.  I don’t mind cold weather — at least not the moderately cold temps we get in DC. I find it invigorating. I might feel differently if I lived in, say, Minnesota.

My husband — we’ll call him “Mr. Good” or “Ned” (neither of which are his names)– joined me today for a lunchtime run  on the snowy mall. It was 20 degrees  with 20 mile-per-hour winds. It was lovely until we got out in the open, away from the shelter of any buildings — at which point it was pretty brutal and we turned around.

But I would choose to run in 20 degree weather over 90 degree weather any day. Unfortunately, I have to do plenty of hot-weather running if I want to get out in this swamp town in the summer.

For any of you who remember Mr. Good’s bike wreck and hospitalization in July, you may be thinking, “wow! he’s running?” Yes, I am happy to report that he is healing well and has started running in the past month or so. He saw the orthopaedist today, and the bone looks good. He won’t have to go back for another x-ray until June. We’ll run a half-marathon in the spring or summer to test how the titanium rod does in longer distances. (unless I’m pregnant by then, bwahahahaha!)

Tonight we’ll go to a play. We usher at a couple theatres in town. It’s a great gig — you show up an hour and a half early, hand out programs, help patrons, and you get to see plays for free! I started college as a theatre major, and I love the arts.  Tonight we get to see The Fantasticks, a classic musical that I have somehow managed not to see before.

Tomorrow is my only free Saturday in January, which is somewhat distressing (distressing that the rest of the month is so busy, not that tomorrow is free).  I need to figure out how to set aside that anxiety and focus on the fact that tomorrow, itself, can be a  good, relaxing, productive day.

Some explanation for the high estrogen levels

I called my doctor’s office this morning to ask about my high estradiol levels on the day 4 bloodwork I had done in September, and lo and behold, I got a call back today!

After I had my bloodwork done, no one told me anything was unusual, but I finally saw the numbers earlier this week, and my internet research indicated the estradiol was more than twice as high as normal levels.

High estrogen can indicate diminished ovarian reserve or cysts.

However, my FSH levels on the same day were normal (low numbers being normal). And the FSH – LH relationship was appropriate. So given all of that, Dr. C thinks the estradiol numbers were nothing to worry about. She said perhaps I just ovulated early.

I never ovulate early.

Nevertheless, it was a month when I was taking clomid and estradiol supplementation, which could have thrown it off. I don’t remember if I had started that regime that day.

Dr. C did not really care about it, but I asked to get the bloodwork done again next cycle, and they obliged. Day 3 should be coming around again early next week, so we’ll see (although, of course,  hope springs eternal, and I hope a new cycle does not start.)

Thank the good Lord for helpful nurses on the phone.

Handy chart on hormone reference ranges *UPDATED

I just found this chart with all sorts of information on hormone levels and reference ranges.

I got the numbers from my doctor’s office yesterday for some day 3 bloodwork I had done a few months ago and was checking it out. (They had previously told me it was all normal, and that appears to be true.* But I wanted to see the actual numbers.)  My acupuncturist, of all people, was particularly interested in knowing exactly what my FSH, LH and E2 levels are. Oh, I love him.

I know others have said that there can be thyroid problems even if you are considered in the normal range. If anyone wants to help explain that to me here, I’d appreciate it.

Thanks!

*I take that back about my ranges looking normal. My estradiol was 163 on day 3 and normal is 25-75.

Perhaps mine was on a different scale? Because that is a pretty big difference. I don’t know if it was 163 of what? I also don’t *appear* to have high estrogen, in that I have pretty scant cervical mucus. “Abnormally high levels on day 3 may indicate existence of a functional cyst or diminished ovarian reserve.” Sounds fun.

When the time was fulfilled

I was traveling last week and not tuned into the blogosphere. So imagine my delight and surprise when I saw what had transpired in the past week for my dear AYWH!  The crazy thing about adoption is that you can wait and wait and wait and wait and nothing happens … but then when things do happen, they can happen really fast.

Like so many of you, my heart is full of such joy to see our friend with her daughter. I started bawling when I saw the first family portrait today (I weep all the time, but this was full-on, face-scrunched-up, overwhelmed-with-emotion, so-happy-for-you crying.) It is wonderful to see this new blessing in R and K’s life. But I have also been really moved by the support of this band of women around her — the blogger who alerted her to the baby, women who helped with adoption funds, those who have been praying for and encouraging her and all of us who have been obsessively refreshing our browers all day waiting to see the family photo! I just love it! It’s like fifty of us were crammed in the backseat of the van, cheering and chattering and ooo-ing and aah-ing over the beautiful Clara.

I could just stare at this photo all day. Except then I might spend the whole day teary eyed.

Like many of you, AYWH’s blog was my introduction to this world of faithful infertile bloggers. A little over a year ago, I was grappling with my infertility and so lonely and confused. One in six people might be infertile, but the experience out there in the world is that it seems like everyone else is having babies left and right. I felt so alone on this path.

But not anymore! I am so grateful for this blogging community. K’s adoption story is the perfect example of how powerful this group of praying, sharing women can be.  But I am also grateful every day for you who share your hearts and hormone levels on your blogs, and to those who read my ramblings and encourage me.

I have a little book of devotions I read every Advent and Christmas,called Watch for the Light. It has different devotions and reflections for each day from a range of scholars and authors. On Sunday night I read one that particularly moved me, especially thinking about how long so many of us have been waiting and also knowing that K might finally be picking up her baby soon. It was a reflection on Luke 2:5-6 : Joseph went up to Bethlehem to register with Mary, who was pledged to be married to him and was expecting a child. While they were there, the time was fulfilled for the baby to be born ,and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son.

The author of the reflection, Eberhard Arnold, focused on the “redeeming power” of the words “when the time was fulfilled,” how Christmas came not on a human schedule as a result of things we did, but as a miracle, a gift from God.  In this way, he says, it can continue to come anew to us. I was reading the devotion aloud with my husband, and I started to tear up as I read this particular section:

“You perhaps have waited for years to be freed from some need. For a long, long time you have looked out from the darkness in search of the light and have had a difficult problem in life that you have not been able to solve in spite of great efforts. And then, when the time was fulfilled and God’s hour had come, did not a solution, light and deliverance come quite unexpectedly, perhaps quite differently than you thought? Hasn’t this happened to you, just as the child comes at his own time, and no impatience or hurrying can compel it — but then it comes with its blessing and full of the wonder of God? Hasn’t God’s help come to us sometimes in this way?”

Lord, thank you for the wonderful, unexpected ways you have shone light and deliverance on so many of our friends recently. Deliver us, Lord. Show us patience. Show us your light. Please lead our hearts to your will. And make your will done in our lives.