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40 days and 40 nights…

August 19, 2009

It’s day 40! Same story  … another day with low temps and no direction on what to do next.  My posts are like a broken record recently; I apologize. I am singing the refrain of U2’s  “40,”: “how long? how long must I sing this song? how long? …”

I realized today was day 40 while riding my bicycle to work this morning. I promptly began to cry.

My barren cycle is now as long as Lent.

It’s distressing for the obvious reason: no one wants a cycle that long unless she is enroute to pregnancy. But it also saddens me to think how different the last 40 days have been from my typical Lent.

Lent seems longer, in  a way, because I always learn so much in those 40 days.  Although Lent is a barren time of sorts, it is always a springtime of the soul.

I can’t say the same for my Lenten-length cycle, unfortunately. The last few weeks seem like a blur of the-same-thing-every-day.  I have not given my time to  God in the way I do during Lent. I have not been listening to Him. Instead, I’ve probably spent more time and energy being angry at myself, my body, my estradiol, my health care and even God Himself.

My priest has said that there is no staying-still in the spiritual life. We are like wheels on an incline, and we are either getting closer to God or rolling backward, getting farther away.  I suppose I’ve been rolling away recently, and that is certainly not the way I want to be.

If I am going to live in this barren Lent of infertility — and all in all, it is lasting much longer than 40 days — then I want to give the time and myself to God to fill. I want to allow Him to make this terrible thing good, to make it a springtime of my soul…

Which brings me back to U2’s 40. I could only think of the refrain earlier today when I started writing this post. It seemed a fitting refrain for me: how long do I have to keep complaining about my cycle?  But then I remembered that the song is actually based on Psalm 40.  And it really should be my new theme song for today. Here are the lyrics:

40

I waited patiently for the Lord
He inclined and heard my cry
He brought me up out of the pit
Out of the miry clay

I will sing, sing a new song
I will sing, sing a new song

How long to sing this song?
How long to sing this song?
How long…how long…how long…
How long…to sing this song

He set my feet upon a rock
And made my footsteps firm
Many will see
Many will see and fear

I will sing, sing a new song
I will sing, sing a new song
I will sing, sing a new song
I will sing, sing a new song

How long to sing this song?
How long to sing this song?
How long…how long…how long…

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One comment

  1. Wow, I would be singing the same song too on CD 40. 😦 I am sure you are still glorifying God in your suffering; after all, you get up every morning and face the day. Your prayers are the painful footsteps through this cycle.



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