Downtrodden, or The “Sick of It” Post

January 13, 2010

I am used to the disappointment of cycle day one. It’s the only experience I know. I have had some 20 or so disappointing encounters with cycle day one and nary a pregnancy in the bunch, so my period is what I have come to expect every month.

But it still kind of blows.

Today I am bleeding and crampy. My uterus hurts. I an sick of my stupid period, sick of dealing with infertility. I have spent heavens knows how long today staring in the toilet to try to figure out if I have clots or not (do stringy goopy things count?). It is not my favorite way to spend the day.

It feels particularly hard today. I’m not sure why — I think it is because of other disappointments in my life right now. I am dealing with low-grade wintry depression anyway, and the onset of menstrual flow certainly doesn’t help. I had been doing pretty well emotionally for the last few months. But now I just want to crawl in bed and stay there.

One could say that I am having my annual identity crisis. What am I doing in life that is meaningful? What could I be doing to actually do some good in the world? What can I do for Haiti, besides crying and praying and sending some aid money? What I am *supposed* to be doing in life — besides working, chasing lawmakers, enjoying my husband and desperately dealing with my infertility?

I am sick of my job and don’t feel like working. To be honest, I get this feeling every January — I think because the Christmas holidays make me feel like doing everything BUT work, and January starts a new really busy, not very fun period at work.  Then I have an added layer of anxiety: it is time for my annual review. I am unsatisfied at work and don’t feel like I am doing a great job. I don’t know where to go next.

It’s dark outside, and the slight holiday weight-gain that I accept each year as part of fully enjoying Christmas is not so pleasant now that I am no longer eating cookies. I want to train for another marathon, but I don’t want to send my apparently-fragile reproductive system into more confusion. Yet, athletic goals seem like one of the few things I can control.

I am sick of this. I am sick of the constant infertility juggling. I am sick of the long list of medical phone calls and bills I have to deal with every week. I am sick of CD1 and CD 3 and P+7,9,11.

I feel like nothing will ever change.

On top of that, next week I start the first of 3 or 4 procedures to remove and replace one of my teeth. I am not sure if it will hurt more to pull the tooth, replace it, or pay $4,000 for it. (my money is on the money, if you know what I mean)

I am sick of all the medical expenses, sick over the thought that I’ll likely spend thousands and thousands of dollars on health-related expenses this year. In an effort to make myself feel better about the economics of it all, I tried to convince myself that my coworkers probably spend as much on beer as I do on medical bills each month.

But even for my heavily-imbibing office, there is no way they can do that.

Outside of work, almost every woman I know has a baby. It is hard to make social engagements.

I often comfort myself with thoughts of adoption, something my husband and I were interested in even before we were married. But today was one of those days when I read things that scared me (in this case, a web site from a very bitter birthmother and another from someone absolutely overwhelmed with paperwork).

This weekend I will go visit dear friends (in another state) who just had their second child. I am really nervous because I am so down about infertility right now, and they have no idea how to relate. They are wonderful people who want to relate, they know we’re dealing with infertility … but it is just so far removed from their personal experience. Their first baby was conceived the first month they tried. The second was unplanned. My friend says God must have a lot of trust in them, to send them that second baby while the dad was in grad school, etc. Does that mean He does not have trust in me?

How do I respond? Do I just fake it all weekend? Do I try to explain it to my dear friend? How do you tell a woman who delivered her second child a few weeks ago about the pain so deep in your heart?

I am sick of it all. And sick of being sick of it.



  1. A friend of mine sent me the link to your blog and I looked at it for the first time tonight. I just have to tell you that your post from today could’ve been written by me. I’ve been married for almost 8 years and I’m still not pregnant. I’m sad and sick of it all (more so than usual), and found out a few days ago that my brother his wife of 8 months are having a baby. They are the 6th couple in the past 3 weeks to announce a pregnancy and while I love them, this one hurts the most. They know we’ve been struggling and our adoption process has been difficult, but they don’t really get it. I’ve been struggling with how to help them (and my parents, who will become grandparents for the first time) understand without taking away their joy. I too am sick of being sick of it. Hang in there.

  2. I dont’ believe that “God” gave your friends another baby because He “trusts them so much” I have been ttc for almost 11 yrs, 1 failed adoption and I’ve come to the conclusion that yes God can control everything but I don’t think He does. He created all and let’s life happen. The saying “God is in control” sounds all well and good and people blurt out God is good when their lives are going the way they want them to but does that mean that God is giving my sister in law her 9th child but me none becuase He’s just mean? no. Life is allowed to happen, She can get pregnant super easy, me no, obviously. But I dont’ think God is holding out on me…………..

    He’s not holding out on you either. I do believe there is a meaning for everything, this suffering can lead you down a bad path or it can be for your betterment…..I’ve learned that adoption is beautiful, yes there is suffering in that too, it’s part of life and life includes suffering. But it’s so wonderful as well.

    God Bless you and I hope you feel better soon.

  3. here is my blog if you are interested…

  4. I, too, have read those adoption sites and articles and it always got me down. I think sometimes I’d look for it on purpose because I was self-defeating! There is a lot out there that can be troubling. But what it comes down to is there are babies whose mothers decide they can’t care for them and therefore couples are needed to step up and take them. And, as for the paperwork, for us it was not bad at all. And trust me, I am lazy and a procrastinator. And it still wasn’t bad, even for me. I’m not saying it was fun, but the home study was over before I knew it.

    I will continue to pray for you. I know how hard it is and how confusing, annoying, frustrating, and depressing it is. I hope your dark time is followed by something absolutely wonderful, like it so often is. I have a feeling it will be!!

  5. I don’t have any advice, but I’ll be continuing to pray for you.

  6. I’m right there with you on the SO SICK OF IT. Even if I never get pregnant, can I never buy another box of tampons? Never chart another cycle, or do more blood draws, or be hormonal and miserable? Wouldn’t that be fabulous.

    I don’t know about your friend…it really depends on the friend, and what you have the courage to deal with. I find it’s often easier just to pretend, because then you don’t have to deal with whatever people might say if you do try to address things more honestly. On the other hand, for that one friend who is really awesome, taking the risk is worth it. Prayers for you on CD1, and I hope your weekend goes well.

  7. I’ve been there too. Hating the failure of yet another cycle, writhing in pain. I have never taken a pregnancy test (except the CD2 formality for femara) until this past month. My cycle went to 34 days. I actually let my cynical heart believe it had actually happened…only to have CD 1 arrive the very next day.

    I agree with you, it’s hard to put on a brave face. The plethora of pregnancy announcements didn’t help either. Some friends just can’t understand; others at least become empathetic. I hope your friend shows empathy towards you. May God send you peace and comfort. You’re in my prayers!

    p.s. What the heck is up with the medical bills? Sometimes I’m muttering to the Lord while picking up the umpteenth non-covered prescription, “Do you see this, Lord? Following the Church’s teaching is painful and expensive!”

  8. I know how you feel all to well. The adoption paperwork and homestudy was not bad at all…it’s the waiting afterwards and depending on the agency you use…getting news that there are no adoptions…is agonizing.

    Nov. is my bad month…Jan and Feb are long and cold. Ugh!

    Praying that you feel better soon.

  9. Oh A, I am so with you. Sending prayers your way.

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