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Back on the grid and PRAYER BUDDY

April 13, 2010

The past two weeks are a bit of a haze. Holy Week and Easter are always like time out of time. I love, love, love my church in DC, and there is nowhere I would rather be than here for Holy Week. Once again, it was a great week … although I was quite sick with  cold/sinus/coughing/congestion/nastiness/crud. It does take something out of the Easter joy when you can’t sing “Christus vincit!” because you are hacking up a lung. But Christ still conquers, even when I cannot sing about it. And being sick for a little while reminds me how grateful I should be that most of the time I *can* sing and speak.

Early Easter Monday, my husband and I flew to Arizona. We visited some friends in Phoenix and spent four days backpacking in the Grand Canyon. And let me tell you, that canyon is really quite GRAND. I visited it in 1999 and was, of course, impressed. But I got an entirely new appreciation of it this time, since we hiked to the bottom, camped there for two nights, then hiked back out (stopping halfway to camp another night).

I felt fine most of the time on the hikes, but I tried to be extra cautious — taking things slow, taking a lot of breaks and being sure not to overheat. But I still worry if it might have been the most idiotic thing I have ever done. It was a lot more work than I was expecting, but mostly long slow muscle work, not at all taxing cardiovascular work. I have not (noticeably?) had a miscarriage yet, so does that mean my hike was OK?

I had a minor breakdown on the way into the canyon. I was having abdominal pain, which I am now pretty certain was linked to digestive problems (note: it’s pretty bad when you are *starting* a four day camping trip with constipation. because those sorts of things don’t usually get better in the woods.) But I couldn’t quite place it then, and I wondered if the blueberry-sized babe was protesting to me strapping on a huge backpack and descending 7,000 feet. However, at that point I was halfway down the canyon, so I didn’t really have much of a choice but to keep going.

Perhaps surprisingly, going up the canyon was quite easy for me. No complaints there.

I still have this weird feeling that I am not really pregnant. I am just convinced something is wrong. This is either crazy intuition (hopefully not!) or the sad byproduct of so many months when I thought I was pregnant and discovered I was just fooling myself. Granted, that never went on for 8 weeks. So perhaps this is sinful inability to accept a blessing. It is fueled by the fact that I still have very few “symptoms.” I am hungry and have very specific food cravings. But then, it is possible that I am just indulging my normal food cravings. If I smash my boobs, they hurt. But then, whose boobs don’t hurt with smashing? All the pregnant people complain about this crippling exhaustion, but I don’t know that I am more tired than usual.

I had a totally unthrilling appointment with a local OB (well, really a midwife) on Monday. I was kind of hoping she could do some sort of exam that would reassure me that things are progressing (maybe a heartbeat or something? no, too soon). But nothing really happened at the appointment besides her telling me not to run or scoop cat litter (husband is out of town this week and cat is a little bit ill. Lord protect me.) She gave me a prescription to get a sonogram done — that dreaded “viability” sonogram. Right now I have an appointment to do it tomorrow afternoon, but I am petrified that it will be bad news and then it will be just me and my sick cat home alone to face the depression. My husband is on a work trip until Saturday evening. I could delay the test, but I am getting rather annoyed with myself over this feeling-of-dread — I mean, you must be annoyed too. QUIT COMPLAINING, A, and freakin’ rejoice in the Risen Lord and the possibility to carry life, no matter how long … though hopefully to full term! If things are going well, it’s more than a bit lame of me to be such a state.  So I’d also like to go ahead and do the sonogram, so I can possibly confirm that things are going as they should be … and try to convince my battered emotions to rejoice.  But then, what if not … I’m not quite sure what to do.

But for the moment, enough about ME, ME, ME. I apologize.  Let’s talk about someone else. Specifically, J at “All Things!”  She was my Lenten prayer buddy! I am sorry to be so tardy in the BIG REVEAL, but see above about being off the grid in the Grand Canyon for a week. That’s my excuse. Luckily for me, Easter is 50 days long. Happy Easter, J! Alleluia, alleluia!

J’s blog was new to me, but I thought it was rather nifty that we’re both “allthings” kind of gals. I love her faith, her excitement in her new marriage, her smile (in photos, we have not met) and her openness. I lit candles for her at the Shrine of Our Lady of Walsingham at my church, offered up prayers for her before the Blessed Sacrament in the Maundy Thursday night vigil and prayed (short) prayers for her throughout the day during Lent. I asked God’s blessing on her marriage and for the Lord to draw her and her husband closer to eachother and closer to Himself. I also prayed especially for healing for her husband, healing for J from PCOS and guidance, wisdom, peace and discernment as they seek medical answers.  J, it was a joy to pray for you!!

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6 comments

  1. Praying for the u/s tomorrow to go well!


  2. Praying for strength for you tomorrow and for an encouraging appointment.


  3. I am impressed that you would actually willing to delay finding out. I might sit in dread for an hour, but I can never delay possessing myself of news for days. (Um, except by mental incompetence. But that doesn’t count.)

    I thought lots of women don’t have any particular pregnancy symptoms. I also know people who undertook extremely strenuous exercise because they didn’t know they were pregnant; drank very heavily because they didn’t know they were pregnant (of course they stopped when they found out); and undertook extremely strenuous exercise despite knowing they were pregnant because it was consistent with their existing lifestyle. All babies associated are perfectly healthy to date. Bet you already had that Grand Canyon trip scheduled, because it’s just the sort of thing that you do. Don’t the doctors tell you to continue with whatever level of exercise you were getting before? I mean, until it becomes physically infeasible later on. In other words, in brief: PLEASE DON’T WORRY. I am sure the baby is fine and all you have accomplished is creating another special memory in your marriage to his/her father. GAUDE!


  4. good luck with the u/s. I think the low expectations are a result of ttc for a long time, I have a fried with 16 m/c that is due next week and she’s still thinking the ball will drop at some point………but all is well despite her worrisome ideas…….

    so happy you are 8 weeks and can’t wait to hear good u/s news!


  5. Good luck with the u/s. Don’t worry about the trip, there’s no reason to think it would hurt the baby. Congrats on 8 weeks.


  6. I wouldn’t worry about the trip either. One of the girls in my prenatal yoga class ran a 5K during her 5th month.

    Also, I think all the feelings you are having are very typical of someone that has experienced IF. Of course you would feel that way! I know I have a general mistrust of my body since experiencing IF.

    Please let us know how the u/s goes!



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