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Still alive (and kicking!)

July 14, 2010

What happens when an infertility blog gets pregnant? Well, in my case, I guess it goes silent. I had not even realized it had been so long since I had updated until a dear blog friend emailed me to ask if everything was OK. Life has been very busy, overwhelming at times. And I’ve been at a loss for words on what to say about pregnancy on an infertility blog.

I do have one post strictly about infertility that I will do next! But otherwise, I guess I should just embrace that what I am dealing with is pregnancy … and write about that.

I have read much about the difficulty in transitioning from infertility to pregnancy, and it has definitely been hard for me. On that first morning when I got the positive test, I thought it would be easy. While riding my bike to work, I started weeping, thinking of the enormity of this change of events. And I had this overriding calm that this baby was a gift from God and all would be well. I just knew it. I rejoiced.

That lasted about 24 hours.

Then, the Voices In My Head started drowning out that comforting voice of God. And I spent the next — oh, 15 weeks? — in fear. I was sure I was delusional, perhaps not even pregnant. I was worried about the baby. I feared every possible kind of miscarriage — and there are a lot of them. I hesitated to tell friends about the pregnancy because I was so scared, I did not know how I would deal with their joy. But with every medical appointment, I got a little more confidence. First I saw the gestational sac and the little heartbeat. Then we heard the heartbeat. Then I saw the tiny baby — a real baby! Then we bought a heart-rate monitor for home use, because I am paranoid enough I need to check and make sure the baby is alive about once a week. So far, so good.

If my prayer life had been better in that time (sorry, God — I really, really am), I am sure that would have helped even more.

Once my placenta started doing its thing in the second trimester, I no longer had to take prometrium. I no longer need to call the awesome nurses at Dr. S’s office. I have not had blood drawn in 6 weeks — the longest I’ve gone without visiting a lab for probably two years.Β  Now I am just a normal, low-risk pregnancy. It is really wild!

We are 21 weeks and a couple of days today. More than half-way through this pregnancy! I had a minor break-down last night, realizing that I “wasted” much of the pregnancy being worried. I love, LOVE being pregnant (at least the second trimester). But I have been afraid to enjoy it. I am going to try to reverse that now. I really want to relish every moment — especially since I do not know if I will ever be pregnant again.

I’ve gained about 10 lbs so far. I was sporting a pretty awesome beer belly (without the beer) for a while, but over the past week it has developed into what I think of as an undeniable baby bump (undeniable to me — a stranger might not be certain.) It honestly shocks me every time I see it. I get a glimpse of myself in the mirror or a window and think — who is that pregnant woman with my head? I bought two stretchy-waisted skirts from athleta (love!) and have been surviving with those, bella bands and some borrowed items from my sister and a good friend. I bought my first maternity clothing item 2 weeks ago. It still felt a little daring.

We are planning to wait to find out the sex of the baby. For the time being, we’re calling him/her “Pavo” (or “Pavito” … or sometimes “Pavita,” which is not a real word but gives it a feminine ending). It means “turkey” (or “little turkey”) in Spanish. Turkey because the baby is due around Thanksgiving. And the turkey is a very noble bird. Funnily, baby goes by “Donovan” at work — my coworker named him/her thus when we watched a World Cup match together (after Landon Donovan, soccer star). It was rather sweet.

And here is where we get to the kicking part of “alive and kicking” — I can feel Pavo move! It’s awesome. It felt sort of like fluttering or like something playing with my nerve endings for a while. Now I get what seems like a big jab every now and then. I actually gasped yesterday once when a kick surprised me. I’m not sure how much of it is the baby itself, or what might be Braxton-Hicks — sometimes it’s such a big feeling, I wonder if it is the latter? But I like to think Donovan is practicing to be a soccer star. S/he sure got excited during the Spain vs. Germany match! I assume it was early enthusiasm for the Spanish team. Ah, so proud of the wee babe already.

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9 comments

  1. So great to hear from you! And I’m so glad you’re doing well πŸ™‚

    I just want to say that I, too, have been very nervous for a long time and only since feeling movement has it lessened. But I think that’s totally normal, even among fertiles! At least that’s what others tell me and what I read. So I don’t attribute it to infertilty at all and I don’t regret it because I think it comes with the territory. I just feel like it’s normal. After all, we have very little control over our baby’s health and safety in the womb so it’s only natural that we, as mothers, would worry. We just want everything to be okay.

    Anyways, I just wanted you to know you’re not alone!


  2. It is so good to get an update! You have been missed! I cannot wait to follow this pregnancy all the way to the joy of baby’s birth!


  3. You have a lot to teach those of us who have crossed over. I love this entry and hope you keep on writing.


  4. I’m so thankful for the update!!! I can’t wait to read all about the little one! Any u/s pics? Baby bump?? πŸ˜‰ I will pray that you have peace throughout the rest of your pregnancy!


  5. I’m so glad to see you post again. I thought you may have gone private or something because your last post (“things around DC” or something) was blocked for me. So glad that all is well with both you and baby now.


  6. “Things around DC” disappeared for me too. I figured you were caught up with pregnancy stuff and maybe didn’t have a lot to say for a bit – you’re allowed :). I’m so glad to hear you and the baby are doing well.


  7. I’m SO glad you updated! I’ve been wondering about you! Now all you need is to give us a pic of the baby bump!! Stick around and keep posting ok? The blog world misses you!


  8. Glad you updated. Great to hear that both you and Pavo are doing well. I hope to hear more from you soon.


  9. It’s so good to see an update and know that things are going well for you and Pavo!



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