Archive for the ‘faith’ Category

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Collect

February 15, 2010

Yesterday at church my ears perked up at the Collect. It seems particularly apt for this little community as we head into Lent …

O God, who before the passion of thy only-begotten Son didst reveal his glory upon the holy mount: Grant that we, beholding by faith the light of his countenance, may be strengthened to bear our cross and be changed into his likeness from glory to glory; through the same Jesus Christ our Lord, who liveth and reigneth with thee and the Holy Spirit, one God, for ever and ever. Amen.

I always focus my prayers on begging God that we may all be relieved of this cross of barrenness!  I do still want to pray that, but I should also pray for grace while we carry it. I think that , somewhat like Misfit, I worry that if God finds something good to do with my barrenness, He might just keep it that way (this is rather silly, I recognize that. I also like to tell God what I have learned already from this situation, in the hopes He will decide I Have Arrived and let me move on to the next phase). But I do want to pray for strength to bear this cross…for me and especially for some of you whose cross has become heavier recently. : (

And what better prayer than that we might become a little more Christ-like? Lord knows I have  A LOT of room for improvement in that regard!

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Cycle review, waiting by the phone

November 19, 2009

You may recall that about a month ago I talked to my doctor on the phone about my blood test results. He said my post-peak progesterone was a little low and prescribed prometrium. He also said he wanted to consult another doctor in his practice (Dr. C) to see what she thought. He said he would call me back the next week to confirm the plan.

Weeks went by, I left messages at the office, he never called. My doctor is a wonderful human being and I adore him, but I am starting to think he is really oversubscribed. He was travelling, etc., and unavailable for almost two weeks. In the meantime, I had an entire cycle. One of the nurses kindly had another doctor write a prescription for another round of post-peak bloodwork, since I was unable to get in touch with my doctor.

Last Friday, surprise! My doctor calls. We had another round of bloodwork to talk about. My body definitely responded to the prometrium. My progesterone levels were high — he said they looked great. My estrogen was “reasonable.”

“If anything, I am concerned those (estradiol) numbers might be a little low,” he said.

Given the high progesterone numbers, he told me to take a pregnancy test on Sunday. He said he would call me at home that night, and depending on the test results, he would talk to Dr. C again and call me back on Monday. Two calls!

I had a feeling I was *not* pregnant, but when my doctor orders a pregnancy test and says he will call to hear the results on a Sunday night, you can imagine how it might get my hopes up. I tried so hard to calm my nerves, but I couldn’t stop thinking about it ALL WEEKEND.

On Saturday, I had a long talk with myself and God. My conclusion was basically: the Lord is God, and he is worthy of praise, always. ALWAYS. So my challenge to myself was that I would sing in praise and love and adoration at church on Sunday, regardless of the outcome of the pregnancy test.

On Sunday morning, my temperature dropped. I sighed and said, “I knew it.” With those words my husband knew too. I took the pregnancy test anyway, because there was no blood yet, and, after all, my doctor had told me to take a test. (I didn’t want him to call, and me to say, “My temperature dropped and I was too depressed to test, but no period yet.”)

So, I tested. It was negative. Of course.

At church I had another long talk with God. My conclusion was basically: I praise you, ALWAYS. But right now I am crying while I do it.

In my church, the deacon lists all the expectant mothers during the Prayers of the People, and I have to admit I always freeze up as they start, trying to guard myself in case there is a new name. There was a new name Sunday. It is a lovely person who has previously struggled with endometriosis (she had surgery years ago and took birth control on doctor’s orders). I knew she and her husband had recently started trying to get pregnant, and I guess I selfishly wanted her to become my infertility friend. That is wrong; I know that. Sinful and selfish. My rational self does not want ANYONE to have to deal with infertility. My rational self is OVERJOYED at this woman’s pregnancy. But my emotional self was having a little bit of a hard time getting on board with that on Sunday morning.

I’m now at cycle day 5.  I still have not talked to my doctor. I did not hear from him Sunday night. He did call Monday, but it was, of course, the one time I was away from my phone all day. He left a message: “Just wanted to hear how your weekend was, girl.” Hahaha, like he wanted to hear about our Saturday night of swing-dancing.

He said he would call back later Monday. He did not. I left a message at his office on Tuesday. nothing. In the previous message, he mentioned that he wanted to talk to Dr. C about whether or not I should do another cycle of clomid. Since I had not heard from anyone, I went ahead and started a new clomid cycle last night. This will be my fourth.

And because I know there is nothing we love more than bloodwork numbers, here are mine. I feel like I am basically self-diagnosing, etc., now, so I would appreciate any insight. I am going to see Dr. Stegman in February, so hopefully I will get a little more attention from him.

two months ago, clomid results:

progesterone 18 (P+6ish), 9 (P+10), 8 (P+11) (not exactly sure if peak was one day or the other, and I went out of town, thus the odd timing)

estrogen 125 (P+6ish), 90 (P+10), 80 (P+11)

***

This past cycle, clomid plus prometrium post-peak

progesterone 31 (P+7), 19 (P+10), 20 (P+11); (Peak+9 fell on a Sunday and I couldn’t get the bloodwork done.)

estrogen 179 (P+7), 80 (P+10), 98 (P+11)

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St. Patrick’s breastplate

March 16, 2009

Tomorrow morning I will get my HSG, or hysterosalpingogram. This is the test where they basically inject dye into my uterus and take a bunch of x-rays to see if there is any blockage. I am extremely nervous about the test because it is supposed to be a bit painful. Also because I fear them finding some crazy blockage, or a T-shaped uterus or something. I am so nervous about the test that I had trouble going to sleep last night (TWO nights before), just thinking about it.

Today I realized the test will happen on St. Patrick’s Day, which initially just seemed amusing — it being such a decidedly un-festive procedure.  But then I thought, “umm, hello? Of course I can just ask St. Patrick to pray for me.”  You got that, St. Patrick? Tomorrow is your day, and I could use your prayers!

I am also comforted today by the Breastplate of St. Patrick. This has always been one of my favorite prayers, and it seems especially appropriate preparing for a nerve-wracking procedure and an unknown future. I will be repeating these words to myself tomorrow morning…

I bind unto myself today

The power of God to hold and lead,

His eye to watch, His might to stay,

His ear to hearken to my need.

The wisdom of my God to teach,

His hand to guide, his shield to ward,

The word of God to give me speech,

His heavenly host to be my guard.

[…]

Against the wizard’s evil craft,

Against the death-wound and the burning

The choking wave and the poisoned shaft,

Protect me, Christ, till thy returning.

Christ be with me, Christ within me,

Christ behind me, Christ before me,

Christ beside me, Christ to win me,

Christ to comfort and restore me,

Christ beneath me, Christ above me,

Christ in quiet, Christ in danger,

Christ in hearts of all that love me,

Christ in mouth of friend and stranger.

I bind unto myself the name,

The strong name of the Trinity;

By invocation of the same.

The Three in One, and One in Three,

Of whom all nature hath creation,

Eternal Father, Spirit, Word:

Praise to the Lord of my salvation,

salvation is of Christ the Lord.